


Tricycle

by diefleder_tey



Category: Arashi (Band), Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gen, Movie Reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-01
Updated: 2011-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diefleder_tey/pseuds/diefleder_tey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever have a terrible job you really didn't like? Aiba Masaki and Maruyama Ryuhei have, despite being small time con artists.  Over the course of a night, with a lot of drinks and a really strange twist of fate, they figure out the best way to seize their own destinies and find peace within the job market.  Hint: being honest helps - getting a dinosaur's better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astrangerenters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/gifts).



> Plot loosely stolen from Weird Science, but familiarity with that movie not necessary. Written for astrangerenters for 2011's [jerainbowbridge](http://jerainbowbridge.livejournal.com/).

  
"I'm getting old sitting here," Yoko said, offhandedly. "Wait, there's a good one. She's looking around inside. Ready?"

Maru took a deep breath and nodded slightly, even though his eyebrows were furrowed. No - the answer was always actually, "No," because how could one ever really be ready?

Yoko absently patted him on the shoulder, his attention still on the woman. "Go," he said with a little shove.

Just down the street, the lights were low and puddles were still on the asphalt from an earlier storm. Maru looked both ways, partly out of instinct and partly as an act, before taking a well timed step out onto the road. Around the corner, the woman Yoko had spotted leaving the parking garage came into sight, her hand and eyes still off to the passenger side seat, probably rummaging around in her purse to find something.

One more deep breath and then Maru began to cross the street right in front of the car. When they met, he jumped and rolled on the hood, sparing his bones but making a spectacular thudding sound. She screeched to a halt and Maru rolled down to the road, holding on to his side.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" she asked, leaping from her car in a frazzled flurry. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see-"

"I saw everything! I saw everything!" Yoko said, running to the scene. As soon as he was close enough for her to see, he tugged on the lapel of his jacket to show off the round pin attached there. The streetlights were just bright enough for her to get the hint - a lawyer.

"I was a witness, sir, clearly she wasn't looking where she was going - I would advise you to sue for damages!" Yoko exclaimed.

Maru continued to lay on the ground, staring up at the stars, just beyond the horizon of her front bumper. It was clean, shiny - the car was new and expensive. Yoko had picked a good one. At this point in the game, he was supposed to be moaning or groaning or something to really sell the injuries. He sighed instead.

Yoko paused. "You hit him so hard you knocked him senseless, that's usually very expensive," he blurted out. "And at a crosswalk, too! This is going to be very, very expensive!"

The woman looked around. "The crosswalk's back that way, though."

"You hit him so hard he flew down the street!" Yoko exclaimed. "Hitting people that hard usually comes with jail time! Here, sir, let me offer you legal advice." He held out his hand to help Maru off of the ground.

"No, please," she said, "I can't get another driving violation. Can't we just keep everyone else out of this?"

Maru groggily rubbed his shoulder, hoping the pain was just from the impact. He wasn't actually that good at rolling over the hood - but Yoko had to be the witness to really sell the scam. Besides, Yoko had once said something about being weak and therefore susceptible to dying, so having him pretend to be hit by cars was completely out of the question. In short, Maru was de-facto victim. Sometimes, though, he thought their little charade was almost too real for comfort.

The woman took his silence to mean no deal, so she reached back inside of her car to grab her purse. "Here, let me give you something for-"

"Are you kidding me?" Yoko exclaimed.

"I can give you fare to get a cab to the hospital and-" she added weakly.

"You just ruined his life! He'll probably never work again and you want to give him enough to buy juice from a vending machine! He's in a lot of pain and you think change is going to help feed his family now that he's permanently disabled by your recklessness?" Yoko had his arms around Maru's shoulders; he subtly jabbed him with his thumb to elicit a groan. "I can't wait to see you go to jail," Yoko added, pulling a phone out of his pocket.

"Wait, wait," she said, digging through her purse further. "I've got some more and," she paused to pull a ring off of her finger and the earrings out of her ears. "These are real, they'll be worth something."

"Well, I guess that's an okay compensation," Yoko said, counting through the cash she had handed over. "I'd still advise suing."

Maru weakly smiled at the woman and nodded. "That's okay, it was an accident."

"No, please," she said, pushing Yoko's hands toward him. "I want you to have it. As an apology. Go ahead, please." And before he could refuse again, she was back in her car and zooming away from them.

Yoko clicked his tongue after she was out of sight. "She probably had more - you didn't make enough noise."

Maru groaned, loudly, his right side aching.

"Exactly," Yoko replied. "Hmm, I better get this down to the pawn shop." He patted his accomplice on the back and started to walk away.

"Yuuchin," Maru called. "I think I hurt my shoulder."

"Stop playing in traffic, then."

"Do I always have to be the victim?"

Yoko stopped to turn and smile. "Just think, Maru," he said, fanning the cash around, "this is all because of you."

He smiled. "Yeah?"

"Everybody gets paid tonight because of you. You have a real talent and when we eat later we'll all think, 'Ah, this delicious food is all thanks to Maru, our hero.'"

"Really? Thanks," Maru answered.

"But delicious food is expensive, so tomorrow you're hitting three cars."

"But Yuuchin, my shoulder...."

"Maybe we should try a few bars too, I think she almost noticed this wasn't real," he said, poking at the beat up circular pin on his lapel.

"But the drunk targets drive faster."

Yoko stopped and gave a mock pout. "Okay, I guess you better tell Nino when we get back that he has to do twice as much and lately he's been feeling under the weather and-"

"Bars are fine," Maru interrupted.

Yoko grinned. "You're so cool," he commented.

Maru sighed, a weary smile on his face. "I wonder how Aiba's doing...."

  


~~~

  
"You look like a smart guy."

Aiba stopped and turned his head toward the voice. "Who, me?"

"Yeah, you look like you have a real stunning intellect," Nino said, barely bothering to disguise his indifference. "Want to play a game of chance?"

Aiba and Nino stood on either side of a small fold-up table with three cups sitting on top of it. They were in a relatively active part of town - enough life that people rubbernecked as they went by but not so much that the two were drowned out by the traffic.

"Sure!"

Nino smiled at him and glanced in the direction of a couple standing at the corner next to them, waiting for the light to change. "It's really simple." He pulled a bill out of his pocket. "Bet as much as you like." He put it on the table and turned the three cups over, placing the middle one over the money. "I'll shuffle them around," he said, moving the cups at a steady pace. "You tell me where the money is and I'll double whatever you bet." He picked up the cup to show the cash. "Pick the wrong one and I get to keep it."

"That's easy!" Aiba said a little too loudly, causing Nino to cringe. "Huh, I don't have anything smaller," he added, pulling out a large bill.

"I can't make change."

"That's okay," Aiba said, slapping it down. "I'll win it back!"

Nino nodded and placed the bill under the middle cup and started to move them around.

At the corner, the girl tugged on her boyfriend's shoulder. "We should try! It looks really easy."

"It's a scam," he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"See, that guy goes really slow on purpose so everyone thinks it looks easy. The other guy probably works with him. He'll pick the right cup so everyone else thinks it's a legit game. When other people start playing, then things will suddenly change and you won't be able to follow the cups at all. Trust me, it's a scam."

"It's in the left one," she whispered back. "He only moved it like twice the entire time."

Aiba put a hand to his face and tapped it, deep in concentration. "I'm going to say...."

"Watch," the boyfriend commented, "he'll guess right and win the money."

"This one," Aiba exclaimed, pointing to the cup in the middle.

Nino picked it up to reveal nothing underneath.

"He picked the wrong one," the girlfriend said.

"Sorry, that isn't it," Nino said, holding up the left cup, taking the bill and pocketing it. He immediately started to stack the cups and fold up the table. "Thank you for playing."

"He lost," the girlfriend said.

"Huh," her boyfriend replied. "Guess they're not working together. He must not be very smart."

"I lost?" Aiba said. He instantly started smiling. "Well, it happens sometimes right?" He laughed, loudly, and waved as he walked off to the corner where the couple was still waiting.

"Poor guy," the boyfriend whispered.

Behind them, Aiba started to sniffle. Sniffles quickly turned to tears and tears turned into the sharp hiccups of a broken heart. "What am I going to do?" he said out loud. "That money was supposed to get me home. Ah, excuse me?" he tapped the guy on the back. "Do you mind if I use your cell phone? I lost mine earlier."

The man couldn't say no - Aiba's eyes were large like a puppy's and his honest face full of regret. He handed over his phone without much hesitation. "Sure."

"Thank you, this won't take long," he said, the light finally changing, forcing all three to wait around for the next turn. "Hi, Mom? Mom, I'll be home tomorrow instead. I know I promised I'd come back tonight but...I don't have the bus money right now." He smiled between the tears, and despite being in his late 20s, something about his demeanor reminded the couple of a child. "Tomorrow, I promise, I'll be there before you go in. Okay, good night. I love you."

He closed the phone and handed it back. "She's going in for surgery tomorrow, I didn't want to make her worry. Thanks, I really appreciate it."

He turned to leave when the guy caught his sleeve. "Here," he said, pressing some money into Aiba's hand. "Surprise her tonight."

He beamed and lunged at the guy, embracing him in a bouncy hug. "Thank you! I promise I'll pay you back!"

"It's okay," the guy said, waving him off.

Aiba hugged him one more time and then ran joyously down the street, toward the direction of the bus station.

The girl smiled and lightly elbowed her boyfriend. "Aren't you sweet?"

"Well," he replied. "Yeah. The guy needed help. Oh, the light changed, let's cross."

Several blocks away, Aiba's running skip turned into a walk and with a wipe of his sleeve, the thankful act was gone. He took his time getting to the rendezvous point, where Nino was waiting with his folded up table beside him. "You're an artist," Nino told him. "How'd we do?"

Aiba handed over the money.

"Not too bad," Nino said, looking through it. "What a sucker, he gave you more than you lost. Grab the table, will you, it's heavy." He added the take to the rest of the money they had collected that night and started to count. He was interrupted half way through by a loud snotty sniffle. "Are you still crying?"

Aiba sucked in his lips trying to mask the fact that tears lingered in his eyes. "I haven't seen my mom in years."

Nino gave a light, hesitant pat on the shoulder. "Get the table. We need to meet up with the others."

  


~~~

  
Yoko raised his head as the door opened. "How'd you do?" was the first thing out of his mouth.

"Better than you," Nino answered, sitting down in a chair next to him. Yoko handed him a wad of cash that he quickly counted. It was their agreed-upon way of operating: Nino always handled the finances. It wasn't that he didn't trust Yoko; in fact, Yoko had willingly suggested the idea. Nino was meticulous when it came to money and Yoko had a knack for losing his wallet - it was just a natural arrangement.

Nino glanced over his shoulder at the other two members of their little group standing by the door, waiting. "I need both of them tomorrow night."

"Too bad, Maru and I are hitting bars tomorrow night - it's Friday," he answered.

"I need both of them for the collection scam," Nino replied. "It works better when you have more muscle." He pulled a stack of cards out of his pocket. "Play you for it?"

"What's the point?" Yoko sighed. "Just take them."

"Collection's early," Nino offered. He had both of their takes counted and started dividing the money out into smaller piles. Like dealing cards, a dollar to each of five stacks - for a while, anyway. After a certain point, he started focusing on two piles and ignoring the other three.

Yoko tapped on the table.

"Are you supposed to meet Murakami tonight?" Nino asked.

"Not until Tuesday."

Nino stopped and picked up one of the stacks, dealing out from it until only a small amount remained. He stopped to meet Yoko's eyes - Yoko nodded slightly. "Here," Nino told him, shoving over one of the bigger piles and then the smallest. He pocketed the largest one left. "Tell Murakami there's a recession going on." He smirked and got up from the table.

On his way out, Nino smiled at Maru and Aiba. "Wear your tank tops tomorrow."

"Collection?" Maru sighed.

"Nino, not collection," Aiba told him.

"It's okay, Yoko needs you for fender denting later," he said with a little salute, walking through the door.

"Really?" he said excitedly. "Oh wait...."

"Don't worry about it, Aiba," Yoko said, handing them each one of the smaller piles of cash. "Maru's really good at it. You can be an excited witness."

"Huh?" Maru said, only half-hearing his comment as he looked at his money. "Aiba can do it too-"

Yoko smirked. "Night."

"Wait, Yuuchin, I-"

Yoko was gone and Aiba and Maru were left alone in the rundown bar with a small amount of cash in their hands, various sore body parts and in tandem sighs. It was getting so routine that if they weren't both so tired, exhausted to their cores, they might have started laughing at how clichéd a scene it was. They both knew what was next, too. Aiba would comment about how hungry he was, Maru would agree; they'd both consider getting something to eat together before the reality of their "paychecks" set in - one could only spend his entire wages on food so often - and go their separate ways, only to do just exactly that later - eat their entire wages, just in different circles. It wasn't that they couldn't agree on where to go: Aiba was always open to _karaage_ and Maru to _mabo doufu_ and they were both okay with a variety of things in between. It was just....

"I need a drink," Aiba said suddenly. He wasn't sure what prompted the change in routine - he hadn't woken up that morning feeling any different or dealt with anything new while out scamming with Nino. But something made him say it and while the day had started out fairly standard, those four little words guaranteed his night was going to be anything but.

"I know a good place," Maru said with a smile, "come on."

  


~~~

  
The bartender raised his hand as the door opened. "Oh, Yusaku!"

Maru returned the gesture, prompting an amused smile out of Aiba. "Yusaku?" he asked.

"It's just what he calls me," Maru answered hurriedly, leading him to the bar. It wasn't that much better than their meeting place with Yoko and Nino, really. Still small, still rundown. The only real difference was in the number of bodies: their hideout was empty, this place at least had a bartender. Nothing else really, but at least that. Well, and a tv above the bar, on and blaring some movie. "Two Godfathers," Maru said casually before whispering back to Aiba. "I don't want to correct him."

He nodded. "That's okay, it's good to have a codename in our line of work, right?" he asked, much louder.

The bartender had a wide smile as he set two glasses before them. "You work with Yusaku?" He wiped his hand off on a towel at his waist and held it out. "Sakurai Sho."

"Aiba Masaki."

"Masaki, eh?" Sho said, pulling out a bottle. "I hope you like Scotch."

If he didn't, none of the three could tell. Aiba took the first sip after clinking glasses with Maru and the second after toasting with Sho.

During the third, which was sprinkled with a smile, he noticed that Sho was writing in a pad of paper, glancing up every so often. Aiba had once heard that curiosity killed the cat, but it wasn't a philosophy he subscribed to. Sure, curiosity had gotten him into a couple of binds before, but it had also led to a rich life of learning new and pointless things: in short, no person ever matured without giving into the urgency of curiosity. "What's that?" he asked.

"Research," he answered, somewhat embarrassed.

"Ah," Maru added, putting down his drink. "Sho-chan has been working on a theory since he got his bartender's license. He thinks there are three distinct stages to being drunk before you pass out."

"If I'm right," Sho continued, "think what bartenders could do. You could train them to recognize each stage so they could stop people before they go too far."

"Isn't that what they do anyway? Watch to see when a customer's had too much?" Aiba asked. When Sho gave him a look - one that encapsulated what it felt like to have someone stomp on your dreams and then drop them off of a bridge into a river - he added, "I like science!"

The smile returned. "I don't have a lot of data yet - actually, you're my second subject. But I'm sure if I could work some more on it, I could publish it someday. And you know what you get when you're published."

Aiba was already drifting away in a fantasy sequence where he left his current "job" and joined a company testing new products, white lab coat and all - every day working with his hands to make sure the public at large wasn't cheated, instead of using his natural talents to scam. Just what exactly was there to stop him from making it all a reality?

"Money," Maru said.

"Hm?"

The conversation had continued without him. "I was going to say prestige and respect," Sho answered.

"I wish I had money," Maru replied.

"No interest in prestige and respect?" Sho asked.

He mulled it over. "I'd rather stop running into cars," he answered, before finishing off his drink. Sho immediately took the glass and poured another.

Aiba offered his for a refill as well. "What's the first stage then?"

"Exaggeration."

Aiba didn't get it. He downed half of the drink and then asked, "Like, after alcohol some people start bragging about things?" He giggled through the answer. By things he meant...well he knew what he meant. He glanced down at his pants and then giggled again.

Sho kept his mouth shut through a pleased smile as he scribbled something else down on the pad.

Maru let out a noise saturated with relief. "I feel so much better now," he sang out. Aiba couldn't help but giggle at that too. He was normally a pleasant and chipper kind of guy - work just sometimes beat the fun out of his life. Suddenly, things were as they were supposed to be again.

And so Sho poured the third round.

By the time they had finished the next glass, Aiba was a stream of constant laughs and Maru was dancing in his seat, spurred on to make weirder and more spastic faces every time Aiba almost snorted. When Maru went for a particularly dirty expression, complete with matching noise, Aiba threw his hands up in the air, tossing the last part of his drink out. "I forgot! Stage 1! Exaggeration!" He shifted his weight on the stool. "Sho-chan, I have a giant, um, a huge...."

"Don't try to help my research," Sho said with a polite smile.

"Sho-chan," Maru sang out, "I do t-"

"Research doesn't work that way, guys," he interrupted. "I have to observe and take notes and make my own conclusions. It doesn't help me if you tell me things you think I want to hear."

"So what you're saying is," Maru continued, a little off balance and his hands at his belt, "is that you need to see-"

"No, no no no!" Sho protested.

"We can't be trusted because we're not researchers," Aiba concluded. "But if we were your assistants, you'd know we were telling the truth."

"Ooh! You should hire us, Sho-chan!"

Aiba jumped up and pointed a finger at him. "Right! If you have help, your research will get done quicker! You should hire us and we'll check to see if guys are lying."

Sho rubbed his forehead. "Penis size really has nothing to do with how drunk you are, guys."

Maru was chewing on his lips. "How much do you pay us to measure that?"

"Three free drinks," Sho joked.

"No good," Aiba replied, sitting back down and folding his arms. "That's less than we make now."

Maru was still chewing on his lips. "I haven't said no yet...."

"I don't get it," Sho started, looking at them both. "Yusaku tells me what he has to go through every night - why do you two put up with it? Why do you even work for them?"

"They're our friends," Maru and Aiba both answered at the same time.

"Not a lot of people were interested in hiring us, you know," Maru added.

"It's not bad," Aiba continued. "Really."

"But it sounds like they make you do all the hard stuff."

"They're the brains."

"And we have to," Maru answered. "Yuuchin says he tends to die when he gets hit by cars."

"It's true, he does," Aiba agreed.

"So do you," Sho pointed out.

"No," Maru replied, lost in his own thoughts. "I roll when I hit so I just bounce off of the windshield...."

Sho put his hands on the bar. "But you're unhappy, right?"

Aiba and Maru both glanced at each other.

"Exactly. You should just quit - if they're your friends, they'll understand," he finished. "There are plenty of things you could do to make money and I'm sure none of them are as hard as what you do now."

Aiba stood up, pounding his fist on the bar. "He's right!"

Sho smiled, happy to have helped.

"The hard part is what we do, right? So what they do is easy," he finished.

Maru's eyes lit up - he caught the drift. "It's easy, so we could do it too."

"No, that's not what I meant," Sho started.

"And if we're doing it-"

"We'll get a larger cut."

"Really, maybe you should consider other options."

"I don't have Nino's hand skills, though," Aiba pointed out.

"And we'd still have to roll off of oncoming cars," Maru added.

"Unless-" Aiba looked Maru over, his eyes roaming up and down. "Take off your shirt."

"Right?"

Amidst a flurry of hands and buttons, shirts being pulled up and over, Sho managed to yell out, "I'm serious, I don't need to see your dicks, guys!"

"Ah, I didn't wear a tank top today," Maru pointed out.

"It's okay, it's threatening with just the open shirt. Sho-chan do you have any toothpicks?"

"Yeah," he answered, somewhat confused, handing over a full container.

"Collection," Maru told him with a wink. "First dollar we get is going to you, Sho-chan. One more drink for the road?"

Sho nodded and poured again as Aiba reached over the bar and pulled the towel off of his belt; he rolled it as thinly as he could and tied it around his forehead like a bandana while Maru felt around the pockets of his pants until he found a pair of supposedly stylish, yet still ridiculously oversized, sunglasses. Maru shook his fingers through his hair to tousle it up while Aiba untucked his tank top and shimmied his pants to sit lower on his hips.

Aiba put a toothpick in his mouth and posed next to his new partner in crime. "How do we look?" he asked with a giant grin.

"Drunk," Sho answered.

"Perfect, we'll be back in a couple of hours."

  


~~~

  
The idea behind the collection scam was easy enough. It wasn't hard to find someone in the city who had some kind of debt. All they had to do was pick a door, ring the bell and pretend that they were from a third party hired to collect on past due bills and loans. If they picked someone without any debts, it wasn't unreasonable to claim that they had been given the wrong address. But more often than not, people were happy to give up something just to have them leave before anyone in the neighborhood saw.

"What about that one?" Maru asked, pointing to the first apartment complex they came across. It was of modest build, nothing rundown or terribly impressive.

Aiba nodded and headed that way in a slightly wobbling line. He was aware of his own alcohol tolerance, so he was a little surprised to find that he was having a bit of difficulty after only...only...the drinks bled together in his mind. Two, right? Two sounded good to him. He had seen Sho watering down the Godfathers a bit, so there was no way he could be _that_ drunk. He was sure.

Maru put on his sunglasses and tried to stand in a threatening pose. "Let me do the talking," he said. "I've got an idea."

After a quick knock, the door opened to reveal a middle aged man in glasses and a stained shirt, the smell of dinner wafting in from the hallway behind him. "Yes?"

"Give us our money," Maru said in his thickest _Kansai-ben_ , rolling the syllables as long as he could in the most guttural tone he could manage. He leaned over the guy and cocked his head to the side, trying to puff out intimidation like a peacock displaying its feathers.

"I'm sorry?" the man said. "Can I help you?"

Aiba butted in. "You owe some money, don't you?"

The man blinked for a moment and then answered. "I suppose rent is due this week - are you with the landlord?"

"Don't want to pay, huh? Trying to cheat us? Do you know what happens to people when they try to cheat us?" Maru asked. He rolled up his sleeve and curled his arm, showing off his bicep with a "Hn!"

"Yeah, yeah!" Aiba joined in. "Pay up or my friend here will have to take it from you."

Maru put his hands on his hips and flexed his shoulders to the front, tightening his chest and neck muscles. "Hn!" Then he turned to the side and dipped his shoulder toward the man, holding one hand in the other and flexing his bicep again.

"I'm sorry," the man said. "Are you making bodybuilder poses at me?"

Maru turned around and put his arms out to the sides to flex his back, a gesture rendered somewhat useless considering he was still wearing his shirt.

"Don't make him angry!" Aiba warned.

The expression on the man's face changed, from honest confusion to amused recognition as a familiar smell drifted under his nose. "Oh," he said, chuckling. "You're drunk. Do you want me to call you a cab?"

"We're not drunk! We're not drunk!" Aiba insisted, waving his hands back and forth. "We're very serious!"

Maru grabbed his right ankle and attempted to pull his leg back behind his head, failing miserably and falling over in the process, letting out a "Bassoon!" on the way down.

"He's not drunk!" Aiba insisted. "He's normally like this!"

"Good night," the man said, amused smile as he closed the door. "I hope you get home safely."

"Wha...what about the money you owe us?" Aiba asked the closed door. He sighed and then offered Maru a hand. "Did you say bassoon?"

"No?" Maru coughed. "That didn't work."

"Maybe he really wasn't in any debt. Let's try the next door." Aiba knocked, they both shook out their limbs and heads, ready to look as threatening as possible.

The door opened, another middle aged man stuck his head out. "Yes?"

"Money!" Aiba blurted out. The door started to close. "No! I mean, you owe money, right? No no no no!" He barely escaped having his fingers caught as the man shut them out.

"How does Nino make this look so easy?" Maru asked, rubbing his neck.

How indeed? Aiba put a finger to his lips and tried to replay a typical collection run in his head. Nino in his suit at the forefront, he and Maru lurching in the background with giant smiles on their faces - at first Nino had told them to play it as straight as they possibly could, but it turned out that somehow having thugs grin at you was more intimidating. Or maybe it was just the manic way of smiling that both Aiba and Maru had at times. Still, Nino would knock on the door and as soon as the target came out, he would say, "Hello, blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Aiba grimaced. He was starting to understand the problem. "This is our first time, right?"

"Right."

"We just need a couple of practice shots to loosen up," he suggested.

Maru snapped his fingers. "What if we try impressions on the next one?"

  


~~~

  
Almost two hours later, Sho was contemplating shutting down the bar for the day. It was that time of night when the social drinkers headed home for sleep and the truly committed just started to hit their stride. Normally, to close a bar at that hour was financial suicide - but as he looked around and saw that the only movement in the room was on the tv screen, he couldn't help but wonder why he was wasting the electricity to stay open. He reached up to switch the knob on the tv, having lost the remote a long time ago, when the door opened.

"Oh, how'd it go?" he asked.

The smiles and giggles were gone. "We lost money," Maru answered, gingerly.

"How?"

Aiba laughed nervously. "That's not important."

"Come on," Sho said. "The next round's on me."

The next round became several more, with Sho taking advantage of the situation to pour different, cheaper drinks and water down others a little more than usual just to sustain the lifespan of his Scotch. Hopeful exuberance gave way to sniffles and regret - drinks were consumed in silence instead of amongst cheers. After some time, Maru wiped at his nose and finally said, "This isn't what I wanted to do with my life."

Aiba nodded, stuttering out a, "I can do more than cry. I think."

"I just don't know how to get there. I'm starting to think, I don't know, maybe this is it. Maybe this is all it ever amounts to."

Aiba opened his mouth to add something and instead just nodded some more. Finally, "If I were better at things maybe we'd make more money."

Sho offered a gentle smile. "Ah, Stage 2," he said.

"What's Stage 2?"

"Complete lack of inhibition - walls coming down," Sho explained. "Vulnerability."

"That's nice of you Sho-chan, but I don't want to sleep with you," Aiba said, fighting back tears.

"Not... that kind of vulnerability."

"One more drink?" Maru asked. "I thought it would be really easy, you know? They make it look easy."

Sho offered them both napkins from behind the bar. "Well maybe because you're there to help them make it look easy, hm?"

Aiba blew his nose and nodded. "Yeah.... Yeah! That's it! The collection scam works because there's more people!"

"I feel like you're missing my point again," Sho said through a polite grimace.

"How do we get more people? You need money for that."

"Sho-chan could-"

Sho was already shaking his head no and looking for imaginary olives to restock his non-existent martini station.

"Same way we started the first time, then?" Aiba suggested.

Maru shook his head, but stood up as he spoke nonetheless, somewhat shaky on his feet. "He's not going to like this."

"He?" Sho asked. "Who's he? Where are you going?"

Maru waved as they exited for a second time, stopping to make sure he walked through the door and not into a wall. "We'll be back in a little bit!"

"With money," Aiba added, hand firmly planted on Maru's shoulder.

It took them a little longer to get there than normal. Maru knew the way well - he probably could have found it blindfolded if he had to. But kind of drunk and blindfolded was another matter. After backtracking due to misread signs and some uncoordinated shuffling, they finally came face to face with the right door.

"What if he's asleep?" Aiba asked.

"He's not asleep," the other replied, confidently, knocking on the door. "There's a soccer tournament going on in Europe now or something."

The door opened and immediately Murakami, in an open bathrobe and shorts, rolled his eyes and muttered, "Are you kidding me?"

"We're here to see Hina," Maru said, very seriously.

Murakami opened the door all the way to let them in. "There's no point in using the codename if you're going to show up at my house!"

Aiba had never been inside before - he had only ever glimpsed in while accompanying either Yoko or Nino on a payoff run. The decor was shockingly tame and cheap, with a wide screen television as the only real splurge item in the whole place.

"What is it? They're about to go into overtime," Murakami complained.

"Shin-chan we need money," Maru said bluntly.

"No."

"A loan," Aiba jumped in. "We want to start our own business."

"What kind of business?" Murakami gave them both a suspicious glance and then sat down on his leather chair in front of the tv.

Aiba smiled. "Our own scam business."

"No." Before either could protest, Murakami stood back up. "You already owe me money as is and your employers are even worse! How did you do this week anyway?"

Maru turned his head. "Oh...there's a game on...."

"Aiba?"

Aiba smiled even more. "There's a recession going on?"

Murakami grinned, flashing his fanged teeth; it was a predatory grin, one where his eyes widened, reminding Aiba of the kind of carnivore that killed for fun instead of food. "I knew it. They've been paying back less and less - they're extorting it! How much are they keeping each week?"

Both shrugged, honestly unaware.

"Well how much are you getting each week?"

"About the same as you."

The grin got wider and tighter. "When I lent them money to start all of this, they promised me they'd make enough to pay me back in a week - a week! That was six months ago!"

"So lend us money," Aiba jumped in. "We'll run our own scheme and we'll keep the same amount we're getting now until we pay off your investment."

"With interest," Maru added.

Murakami's smile changed to a gentle one and he rigorously patted Aiba on the shoulder. "I'd never get my money back. Don't let Yoko and Nino stiff you even more next week, okay?"

"Why would they do that?" Aiba asked cautiously.

"Let's just say I have a little surprise in store for Yoko on Tuesday when he drops off my cut."

Aiba leaned over to Maru and in a hushed tone that wasn't nearly as quiet as he hoped it would be - alcohol affecting his ability to whisper and all - said, "Maybe we don't want to borrow money from him anyway."

"If you want money," Murakami added, flopping back down on his chair and grabbing the remote to unmute the game, "go get real jobs."

Maru sighed, his shoulders slumping at the response.

"Don't worry," Murakami replied. "It'll work out. Everything will work out just like it should."

"Yeah."

"Back to the bar?" Aiba suggested. "Do you want to go with us?" He could barely concentrate on finishing the question as Maru shook his head wildly and mouthed, "No no no no no," next to him out of Murakami's sight. He had gone out with Yoko a few times for food and had heard a couple of the horror stories about what happened when he tried to drink with Murakami. Given Yoko's natural proclivity for exaggeration, Aiba just assumed that he wasn't getting the full story. Maru's tense face made him think otherwise.

"Bar?" he asked.

Aiba clenched his teeth into a fake smile. Too late, the damage was done.

Murakami stood back up. "You were out drinking tonight?"

"Were we? Did I say a bar? I meant a...jungle gym?" Aiba quickly stuttered.

Murakami ignored him and walked over to flip on the light switch. "Maru," he said. "You were crying earlier?"

Maru shook his head no and only a beat later, with an embarrassed but full blown smile, said, "Yeah."

Murakami sighed and walked over to a middle school league trophy cup he kept on his bookcase, reached inside of it, and pulled out a wad of cash. "Here," he said, handing it to his friend.

"Thanks, Shin-chan."

"You're paying it back!"

Once Aiba and Maru were outside, the door closed and Murakami, group financier and sometimes friend, back to his game, Maru thumbed through the money to get a count.

"Well?" Aiba asked.

"Not enough to hire anyone," he replied.

"Oh."

"But it's enough for something else."

  


~~~

End of Part 1


	2. Tricycle

Maru slapped the wad of cash down on the bar.

"What's that?" Sho asked.

"What we owe you for tonight," Aiba replied.

Sho picked it up and fanned out the bills before separating them into two different groups. He kept the first in hand and then pushed the second back down on the bar before them. "There's a discount tonight," he explained. "For helping with my research."

"In that case," Aiba replied, pushing half of the half right back at him, "we'd like a few more."

"Stage 3?" Maru suggested with a mischievous grin.

"I'll get the good stuff."

"Turn up the volume while you're at it, there's a movie starting."

"I lost it, remember? You'll have to do it on the set."

"Oh yeah."

"What's Stage 3?" Aiba asked, sitting down.

"Freedom," Sho answered, handing him a full shot. "Truth. It's like, hang on." He put his pad of paper on the bar and flipped past several pages jam packed full of notes until he found a blank sheet. With a click of a pen, he drew a circle and used the pen to point at the center of it. "This, is being completely drunk. And this," he drew another circle, close to the first, and then pointed the pen at its center, "is blacking out. Somewhere in this tiny little window between them is when the real you comes out." He drew two lines and a cap pointing to the small space in the middle of his large circles. "Completely unadulterated. That's Stage 3."

Aiba downed the shot and then giggled.

"I know it sounds kind of silly, but I think it's true. I even have a couple of diagrams I want to include in the study."

"I wasn't laughing at that," Aiba replied.

Sho blinked.

"Your drawing."

"Huh?" Sho looked at it again. "It's two circles with some pen marks and an arrow pointing in. It doesn't need to be a Renaissance masterpiece."

Aiba was trying so hard to choke down the bubbling laughter that his face turned bright red and each amused syllable squeaked out one by one.

"Ohh," Maru said, his chin resting in his hand and his elbow on the bar, his glass already empty. "They made a lady."

"Huh?"

He pointed up at the tv. "They hooked up a computer to some wires and made a woman. We should do that."

Sho leaned over to get as close to Aiba's ear as he could. "Yusaku doesn't get out much."

"Henchmen," Maru said back, exasperated face and tone. "I meant we should make our own hired help. Then we wouldn't need to borrow money."

Aiba laughed. "We should. You're filling up his glass again?"

"Trust me," Sho answered. "He's not at Stage 3 yet. Here you go."

Well, why get in the way of science? Besides, Aiba quickly discovered that he really didn't care - he was feeling considerably better. On the television screen the woman came out of a bathroom surrounded in smoke, the curls of fog accentuating her curves. She was gorgeous. And in Aiba's mind, she quickly melted as the scene washed away in a brainstorm. After downing another shot, he tried to put Maru and himself in the movie, the two of them hacking into a power system to create the perfect woman - a woman so hot she'd distract Yoko and so smart she'd outwit Nino and so complete she'd make _omurice_ for everyone afterward, even Hina and Sho. Maybe even for some of the people they had ripped off too - the magical woman would generate money so that they could give everything back.

Except, after the amount of alcohol consumed and consecutive hours he'd been awake, Aiba was having some difficulty actually picturing the scenario in his head. Clear images of his face and his friends gave way to stick drawings in crayon, the magical woman nothing more than giant circles and lines. Giant, giant circles - she took up most of his mental canvas.

If anything, he realized, it looked like a cartoon animated by Sakurai Sho.

The eruption of giggles came back, echoed by Maru standing up and weaving around, yowling something akin to "Eow Hee Hee."

Sho smiled, pulling out a new bottle before excitedly grabbing his pad of paper. "Ah, Bruce Lee - we're getting close now."

  


~~~

  
When Aiba came to, he was genuinely shocked. He had heard warnings about alcohol consumption - people who went too far and drank themselves blind. He couldn't make out a thing and his head was pounding - pounding and aching. His eyes felt squished together. He reached up gingerly to touch his forehead and found some sort of satiny cloth there instead. Next to him he heard, "No, no Misato, not there...well, okay," mewed.

"Maru?" he asked, blindly smacking his hand around until it plopped onto something warm and a little wet, which he sincerely hoped was just his companion's face.

"Mm?" Maru replied. "What the...."

"Maru, Maru I can't see," Aiba told him in a panic.

"Take the goggles off."

"What?"

He felt Maru's warm hands on either side of his head, peeling something off. Within a minute, both the intense pressure and the obscured vision lifted - and he was left to blink out the rest until he could clearly see Maru sitting in front of him.

...with a bra on his head.

Before Aiba could point and laugh, suddenly the satiny feeling made sense. He reached up with both hands and patted around his head, feeling the familiar curve of underwires. "What happened last night?"

Maru was in a dark suit and tie, his hair frizzed out to the sides. Aiba quickly discovered that he himself was wearing a lab coat with his name stitched on the left breast. Well, not quite his name, Dr. Insan...something, it was hard to read cursive embroidered English upside down.

As for Maru, Aiba suddenly had a flashback to him sitting at a bar in his suit, ordering Godfathers and pretending to smoke cigars. "Yusaku...Matsuda? You _told_ Sho your name was Yusaku?"

"Everyone needs a codename!" Maru replied defensively, handing the goggles over. "Besides, he already knows it isn't really."

"I remember," Aiba started, pocketing the goggles, "last night saying I had a computer. And then you said you had...." Their eyes met and they both slowly glanced up at their headgear.

"Are we at your place?" Maru asked.

Aiba looked around. "Yeah." He wasn't in the habit of keeping things particularly neat, but the room looked like it had been hit by two particularly drunk whirlwinds. Clothing and porn DVDs were scattered everywhere, a few loose wires were strung around the room like Christmas lights, and it looked like someone had tried to make a batch of late night _chahan_. And in the far corner, after a trail of cast off bras, was a giant nest of tinfoil with a giant egg sitting inside.

"What's that?"

"Ostrich egg," Aiba answered.

"You eat ostrich eggs?"

"They're a good source of protein. Really good in cakes."

"Ah."

"I wouldn't make an omelet out of one, though. It has this weird texture, like chewing on-" Aiba was interrupted - well before he could give out his recipe on how to make enough _katsudon_ to feed a crew of six or at least one hungry 28 year-old - by a cracking and rattling noise from the corner.

"It's hatching," Maru said.

That couldn't be right. Aiba made sure that he picked out only the best unfertilized eggs from the ostri....

Wait. He hadn't been to an ostrich farm in a while and he certainly didn't keep a regular supply of eggs. In fact, he was pretty sure it had been over a year since he had last bought one.

A large chunk of the shell popped off and landed on the tinfoil nest. A squawking hiss came from the egg and suddenly a small claw curled outside of the shell.

"We're still drunk," Aiba said.

They scooted closer to the giant egg and hesitantly peered over to see a reptilian face poking at the rest of the shell in order to break its way free.

Maru stuck his lips out, mentally assessing the situation. "We broke into a zoo last night and stole a Komodo dragon egg."

"That's not a Komodo dragon egg, though," Aiba replied. Beyond that, he didn't have any sort of flashbacks about zoos. Lightning, yes, chanting, yes - a small argument with Maru about who got the pretty bra - but nothing about breaking into a secure area and navigating a number of buildings that generally didn't result in happy endings for drunks. Besides, he was a fan of the local zoos - he couldn't think of a single one with Komodo dragons. "I think it's a dinosaur."

Maru nodded. "We're still drunk." A buzzing noise rang out and he started patting down the suit until he found a phone, handing it over.

Aiba made a confused face - how exactly did his phone get in Maru's jacket? He'd have to investigate later - _after_ they figured out about the dinosaur. Maybe. "Hello? Nino! Where am I? What do you-" He looked around until he saw the time - it was already the next night. He laughed nervously. "I'm on my way, I...uh...uh...had to pick up Maru. Be right there!"

"What about the dinosaur?" Maru whispered.

Aiba looked around and grabbed a floor lamp, plugging it in next to the egg and turning it on. He then grabbed a bunch of clothes and blankets and pushed them up into an extended nest. "Now he won't get cold," he announced, proudly.

They scrambled as fast as they could to the hideout, busting through the door in gasps.

Nino had been at the table shuffling cards with an unimpressed look on his face. But even he couldn't help but smile, amused at the sight, rubbing his face. "What are you wearing?"

Aiba instinctively put his hands up to his head, remembering the bras. Luckily, they had tossed them off before leaving his apartment.

"Trying something new," Maru spoke up. "Ah-ah?" he said uncertainly, giving half-assed jazz hands.

"Yeah," Aiba spoke up. "All of the bad guys are dressing up in suits now, haven't you seen, um...what's that one American tv show?"

"The L-word?" Maru offered.

"No. Not The L-word."

"Sex and the City?"

Aiba side-eyed him. "No."

"Those are the only two I watch," Maru answered.

Nino sniffed and turned up the corner of his mouth in a knowing, somewhat smug expression. "And the lab coat?"

Aiba fumbled around until he found the googly-eyed goggles in his pocket, putting them on his face. "Mad scientists are scary! They'll throw money at us!"

"Rar," Maru tried weakly, cringing at his own words as he hadn't entirely escaped the fate of a hangover.

"We think this is more intimidating that just wearing tank tops."

Nino shrugged. "Whatever. It's too dark to tell what you're wearing anyway. Come on."

Aiba and Maru both let out a sigh of relief.

  


~~~

  
"It's still here."

"We're still drunk."

One would think, at least Aiba thought, that a newborn, no matter what species, could only do so much damage during the first few hours of life. But when he and Maru returned to his place to check on the small beast after finishing with Nino, they found that the creature had chewed through at least sixteen different porn DVDs, knocked over at least four different items, and was nuzzling itself into the comforter on Aiba's bed.

"What are we going to do with it?" Maru asked. As if on cue, the animal jerked its head up, cocked it to the side and gave an inquisitive chirp. "It knows we're talking about it."

Aiba slowly inched his way over with an outstretched arm. "Hello there," he said, cautiously. The answer was simple: if it showed any aggression, then they were going to let it keep the bed and run away. If it seemed friendly - they'd go from there.

The animal turned its head back and forth watching Aiba advance. When he had gotten close enough to just barely touch it, the animal got up and, with a large tail swinging around, quickly moved to nuzzle against Aiba's chest.

Aiba bit his lip and resisted the urge to throw his arms around it and cuddle. "We're keeping it. And naming it." He glanced around the room, hoping for divine inspiration on the name; instead, the idea quickly took a backseat to remembering just how destructive the little monster really was. The effects of cuddling were quickly nullified. "We can't leave it alone while we work, though. Maybe we can take turns baby-sitting?"

"If only one of us is free a night it'll take even longer to make enough money to leave," Maru pointed out.

"Right. Okay, how about - okay, okay, we ask Sho to babysi- no," Aiba stopped himself. He could already imagine what would happen when the animal got hungry - Sho would have little choice but to give it alcohol. Which, on second thought, had hilarious potential, he realized. And what a boon to research, to study the effects of alcohol on dinosaurs. "Plan B, right? We'll keep that as Plan B."

"We could give it to Shin-chan. A dinosaur would be more than enough to pay him back and then some," Maru suggested. "He could make a ton of money off of it. He'd probably set up an attraction for people to see and then copyright the image for merchandising and rent out lab time to scientists and...." An uneasy look on his face emerged as he trailed off - the animal was now tapping at his hand with its snout, like a dog. "And it would be cold and lonely and exploited and...."

"Plan C, huh?"

"Yeah, Plan C. I got it!" Maru shouted. "We'll take it with us! It'll intimidate people."

"Then we'd just be real thugs, right? We'd be holding people hostage with a dinosaur. I don't really want to do that anymore."

"What if we only used it to rob bad guys?"

"They have guns."

"We have a dinosaur."

"Guns shoot dinosaurs."

"Oh, yeah," Maru conceded. "Unless it turns out to be a really big dinosaur."

"Or we put lasers on it," Aiba suggested without a hint of irony.

"Aiba-chan, what kind of dinosaur is it, anyway?"

Suddenly the problem of the young creature tearing up his apartment like a puppy seemed unimportant compared to the possibility that within some amount of time it'd grow up to be larger than a house. Or worse yet, if it turned out to be something like a Tyrannosaurus Rex - Aiba couldn't be sure that giving it a love-filled and supportive childhood would guarantee him not being eaten later.

"I don't know," Aiba finally answered, a little panicked.

Maru looked around until he found a backpack up against a wall, one that Aiba used on occasional hikes. "Come on then, let's ask the smartest person we know."

  


~~~

  
"We're closed early tonight," he called. The knocking persisted, and so Sho nodded and jogged to open the front door. He found two familiar faces - friends that quickly pushed him back as they rushed in. Maru peeked outside, looking both ways before shutting the door; Aiba walked over to the bar and carefully put a full and rustling backpack down on a stool.

"Sho-chan we accidentally made a dinosaur," Maru blurted out.

Sho nodded. "You've already been drinking tonight."

"No it's true," Aiba said, unzipping the top. A small head with a reptilian-beaked snout and big eyes poked out. "It hatched earlier."

Sho blinked. "How-"

"We had some wires-"

"And bras-"

"Tinfoil-"

" _Chahan_ -"

"I had goggles on."

Sho quietly nodded and walked behind the bar, pulling out the familiar pad of paper and very carefully started drawing lines across the page.

"What are you doing?" Maru asked.

"I was wrong about Stage 3, it seems," he answered. "Very wrong."

"Maybe cloning dinosaurs magically _is_ true to our real selves, you don't know that," Aiba argued.

"Sho-chan, we need to know what kind of dinosaur it is."

"How do I know?" Sho replied. "They didn't teach Paleontology between how to shake a Martini and how to layer a Tequila Sunrise! Look, it's not a dinosaur, it can't be."

"It's not a Komodo dragon," Aiba preempted him, making gestures with his whole body. "They lay down like this and he stands up right."

"How do you know it's a he?"

"It does look kind of manly," Maru offered.

"It looks like a sick ostrich," Sho replied. "You probably picked up an egg with an extremely mutated ostrich in it. It's probably very sick. Or a hairless ostrich."

"Ostriches have feathers," Aiba answered.

"That's not the point. Dinosaurs don't exist," Sho argued. He sighed and leaned forward to get a better look. "Do they?"

"Its arms poke out in the front, Sho-chan," Aiba said. "Ostrich wings bend back against the body."

"Did you call anyone about this?"

"If it is a deformed ostrich, they'll want to kill it, no?" Maru pointed out. "And if it's a dinosaur-"

The animal started to trill as it looked at Sho.

He made a face. "It's cute in an ugly way." He sighed.

"Sho-chan," Aiba said, smiling widely, "if you help us, I'll get more participants for your study."

"Yeah?"

"At least three, I promise."

"More than that," Maru added. "I know some people I can call. Please?"

"Fine," he agreed. "Let me go get my laptop." Once it was on and running, Sho started throwing terms into a search engine. "Dinosaur...ostrich like...long neck...ah, okay. Here's something. Called a Gallimimus, maybe?"

Aiba and Maru looked at each other and shrugged. "Do they have a picture?" Maru asked.

"Sort of, hang on." Sho punched a few more keys and then turned his laptop around to show both of them. "Something like that?"

They both looked down at the animal and then back at the picture. "Maybe it is a deformed ostrich," Aiba replied.

"According to this site, it should end up about 2 meters tall and considerably longer."

Aiba swallowed hard. "That might be hard to keep in an apartment."

"An ostrich wouldn't be any easier," Sho pointed out. "You'll have to do something with it sooner or later. In the meantime, I think it's hungry," he said, drawing their attention to the fact that the hatchling had started to chew on the backpack.

"Don't feed it Scotch," Aiba warned. "It's too young for that!"

"I have some eggs in the mini-fridge," Sho answered, indignant.

"Gallimimus huh?" Maru said, leaning on the bar. "Maybe we can name it Gally then. Gal. Mimey?"

"No," Aiba replied. "What about...Sam?"

"Sam?"

"Sho, Aiba, Maru," he said pointing.

Maru shifted his stance. "Sho didn't help us accidentally make a dinosaur."

"He provided the alcohol."

"This has suddenly become very awkward," Sho spoke up, cracking the eggs into a bowl. "Don't name it Sam."

"What about something powerful and scary?" Maru asked.

"Stormy!"

"No."

"Thunder?"

"No," Maru said, shaking his head. "Maybe something cultural, then - something with some real weight behind it, something historic. Like...something from Kyoto."

"Arashiyama!"

"What about," Sho interrupted, beating the eggs with a whisk, "Dachou?"

" _Dachou_? Name it 'Ostrich?'" Maru nodded after mulling it over.

"See?" Aiba pointed out. "Sho did have a part in making it."

"Please stop saying things like that."

"Well, like, 2 meters," Maru said, "so it should get pretty big. Enough to survive gunshots right?"

"Does it eat people?" Aiba added.

Sho shoved the laptop at them. "I'm making eggs."

"Maybe we could train Dachou to eat people," Aiba replied, reading over the website.

"You're not taking it to work with you, are you?"

"We can't leave it at home," Maru replied.

"Yeah, but, how are you going to run scams with a baby dinosaur around?"

"Maybe we can ask for donations for our poor, sick, deformed ostrich - and then when it gets big enough we'll train it to go after certain targets," Aiba said.

"Good luck with that."

"Or," Aiba continued, side-eying the bartender. "We could ask you to babysit."

Sho stopped what he was doing with the eggs to momentarily look up at Dachou, who was watching his every move very intently. The sweetness of its large eyes had disappeared - it now looked at Sho like a predator would, waiting for the right moment to spring and go after its meal. He picked up the bowl of eggs and walked to the other end of the bar. "Good idea - dinosaurs can be very profitable," he replied with an apologetic and nervous smile.

As soon as the eggs were finished, he put them on a plate and slid them over to Aiba before quickly retreating to wash glasses - a curious task considering the lack of customers outside of his present company.

Aiba was contemplating the best way to feed a dinosaur – spoon-feed or just let it lick the plate - when his phone started buzzing again. "Oh," he said, looking at the name that popped up.

Realization hit Maru at the same time. "We forgot about Yoko."

Aiba fumbled with the phone, flipping it open and putting it on speaker before dropping it on the bar. "Aiba? Aiba, where are you?" it called out.

"Hi Yuuchin," Maru said at it.

"Maru?" Yoko's voice blared out of the speaker. "Why do you have Aiba's phone?"

"I'm here too," Aiba answered. "Sorry, Yoko, we forgot."

"No, no, it's okay. I'll just go run into cars on my own and hope they'll take a look at my cute face and take pity on me and settle out of the kindness of their hearts. I'll probably die doing it though, but at least-"

"We're on our way," Aiba interrupted.

"I'll be waiting at the hideout."

"You have to take it with you," Sho said as soon as they had hung up. His back was pressed up against the wall, his eyes glued to Dachou.

Maru and Aiba both nodded, obediently. Maru picked up the backpack and Aiba grabbed the plate of eggs. "Should I take the spoon?" Aiba asked.

"It'd probably make it easier."

Dachou started leaning out of the backpack, still staring at Sho, with a small guttural growling.

"But what if he tries to eat the spoon too?"

"Take the spoon," Sho blurted out. "Just take the spoon, you're going to be late."

"Thanks, Sho-chan," Aiba said. They both waved and were out the door, leaving Sho to brace himself on his knees to catch his breath.

  


~~~

  
Yoko raised his head as soon as the door opened. And almost instantly he was torn between laughing and giving into exasperated disbelief. "What are you two wearing?"

Aiba and Maru glanced at each other. They hadn't had a chance to change at all, and worse, now they were both covered in bits of egg from trying to feed on the run.

" _Why_ are you wearing it?" Yoko asked.

Aiba pulled out his googly-eyed goggles and quickly put them on, tipping them up with his finger so he could see. "Trying out a new cosplay?"

"Let me guess," Nino said, glancing over his shoulder at them. By the looks of things, Yoko had roped him into sticking around to keep him company while he waited. "Backpacks are intimidating too? It's a nice touch."

"They were wearing that earlier? When you did collection?" Yoko asked. He laughed. "How'd that go?"

"Best we've ever done," Nino admitted.

"You're kidding."

"People like to give to charity," Nino explained. "Especially when there are two homeless people right there in front of them who need help."

Maru rubbed his hand through his frizzed out hair, finding bits of eggs in it. "We do look kind of homeless," he said to Aiba.

"We smell kind of homeless too," Aiba admitted back.

Yoko nodded. "I get it - all you have to do is look slightly hurt with those puppy expressions of yours and people trip over themselves to throw money your way, more so if they think you have no place to go tonight. Who could ever say no to you two anyway?" He stood up and clapped his hands. "Well, let's go play in traffic!"

Maru and Aiba nodded, both chewing on their lips, and they moved to follow Yoko out of the door. "It's kicking me," Maru whispered to Aiba right as they were about to walk out.

"What's kicking you?" Yoko asked, instead.

"Nothing," Maru said, trying to look away.

"Maru," Nino spoke up, walking over to join them. "Is your backpack growling?"

"No," Maru answered weakly.

Aiba nodded. "That's why collection didn't work yesterday. You are really bad at lying."

"You tried collection yesterday?" Nino asked.

Maru turned with a "No, that's not it," facing Nino and giving Yoko access to the backpack still on his shoulders. Normally when something was growling and rustling around in a bag, Yoko had the good sense to leave it alone; but he was also the kind of guy who always pushed buttons that said, "Do not push." "What the hell?" he said after unzipping the top.

Maru stiffened. "That's Dachou," Aiba blurted out. "He's a Gallimimus."

"What's a Gallimimus?"

"Um." Aiba looked around. "A type of ostrich?"

"You're bad at lying too," Maru muttered.

"You named your ostrich 'Ostrich?'" Nino asked. "Really?"

"Why do you have an ostrich?" Yoko asked, poking at Dachou's snout.

"I wouldn't do that, Yuuchin," Maru said, craning his neck to see.

"Because," Aiba answered, smile wide. He paused and then pointed at Nino and Yoko enthusiastically as an idea blossomed. "Because people are more sympathetic if you hit a homeless guy who owns an obviously deformed pet!"

"You did manage to find the ugliest ostrich possible," Nino commented. "I thought you stopped getting eggs from the ostrich farm?"

Yoko kept poking at the snout until finally Dachou, lightning quick, turned and snapped down on his finger, holding it tight in its mouth and shaking its head back and forth. Yoko yelled out in pain and tried pulling his finger away, only making Dachou clamp down harder. "Get it off! Get it off!"

"I told you not to do that," Maru said, unperturbed.

"Get it off!"

"Hang on," Nino said, walking around to take a better look. "Yoko hold your finger still."

"You hold _your_ finger still!"

Nino smiled. "This is one ugly ostrich. It's so deformed, it kind of looks like a dinosaur."

Aiba laughed loudly, causing Dachou to let go of Yoko's finger. "It's just a deformed ostrich," he barely managed to say.

"That doesn't matter," Nino said. "I think we should go visit Murakami instead of hitting cars tonight."

Pouting as he rubbed his finger, Yoko replied, "You're supposed to use his alias in public."

"I know. That's why I always call him Murakami instead."

"I don't think he'd be interested in a deformed ostrich," Maru said with an obviously fake and forced laugh.

"I think he'd be really interested in making more money," Nino answered.

"It's just-" Aiba started. That was it. They couldn't keep it in any longer.

"We don't want to," Maru finished. "We already thought about taking it to Hina. But we don't want to do that."

"And we don't want to do the collection scam anymore," Aiba added. "Or cheat nice people out of money."

"And I really don't want to run into another speeding car."

They both cringed, shutting their eyes and hunching up like dogs expecting to be hit. Well, if nothing else, there was still the smell of alcohol soaked into their clothes - worse came to worse, they could simply beg off being drunk at the time later.

"Why didn't you say so?"

They opened their eyes to see a concerned look on Yoko's face. "Why didn't you say you don't like doing it?" he repeated.

"If you don't like it, we'll think of something else," Nino added.

"But," Maru ventured. "You both ignore us every time we complain."

"I ignore Yoko every time he whines too," Nino answered. "Which is a lot. That's different than saying you really don't want to do something."

"Oh."

"I don't whine that much," Yoko muttered.

"Proving a point," Nino said with a smile.

"Well, so," Maru asked, "now what?"

Aiba put a hand on his shoulder and one on Nino's and smiled over at Yoko. "I know. Maru and I've had a few ideas recently."

  


~~~

  
 **A Year Later**

Reflections of streetlights splattered over the asphalt as they ran through the puddles left on the street from the latest storm. They looked around, two choices before them - one decided to go right and pulled the other with him. Wrong choice - they ended up in a dead end alley. The one looked up at the stars, trying to calm his breathing, while the other pressed his back up against the brick, ready to fight.

A strange, chilling chirping echoed in the alleys and through the night fog; they saw the silhouette of a long neck - the neck of an animal that wasn't quite as tall as a normal man, but was made of nothing but muscle and unsettling otherness. One of the thugs reached into his jacket and pulled out his gun, his hand shaking.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a voice echoed out in the alleyway. "Shooting a dinosaur just makes it angry."

The thug put the gun down, still shaking, as the animal emerged, just visible enough in the poorly lit night to be frightening. There was some sort of collar around it attached to a leash - on the other end was someone in a long white coat, smiling. On the other side, another man in a dark blue suit came rushing in.

Before either thug had a chance to really react, the man in the dark suit pushed them both up against the brick wall. He grabbed their shirts, twisting to get a good hold, and pulled back, throwing them both over to the side and down to the ground.

He leaned over to peer at them and soon he was joined by the man in the white coat and the animal, all looking down with wide smiles to inspect their prey.

"Now," said the one in the suit, "tell your boss to pay back his loan or we let Becky here loose."

The animal squawked as if on command.

"Wouldn't have gotten into this job if you knew you'd have to worry about dinosaurs, huh?"

The two thugs scrambled back and stumbled their way out of the alley. "You'll get your money!" one cried. "What did I tell you?" the other said. "I know the boss shouldn't have taken that loan!"

As soon as the two had left, Aiba reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a plastic bag full of hard boiled eggs. He tossed one to the animal and patted its neck. "Becky?"

Maru brushed off his sleeves. "Dachou needs a codename too."

"That was good," Aiba complimented, trying to keep Dachou from stuffing its head into the plastic bag for more eggs.

"Yeah? I wasn't too harsh?"

Aiba shrugged. "We want to scare them out of the business, right?"

"Yeah. I think those acting lessons paid off," Maru replied, smiling. "I have another audition Thursday."

Aiba pulled his phone out of his pocket to send a text to Murakami. _All done here - they said they'd get the money. Maru-chan and I are going to Sho's, wanna come?_

"That's good!" he replied as he typed. "For the action role, right?"

"Yeah." Maru nodded toward the phone. "Think he'll come this time?"

Aiba paused before opening his cell back up and typing out another message. _Free beer if you agree to be observed for a research study._ "Yep."

Maru sighed, contentedly. "I wonder how Nino and Yoko are doing."

"We could watch the results on tv at Sho's?"

"Do you think they'd cover a local election?"

Nino couldn't lose - not with Yoko as his right-hand man and Murakami as his main fundraiser. Who knew there was more money in politics than there ever was in small time con jobs? Plus, with the interest Murakami charged up-and-coming wannabe _yakuza_ for small loans - loans they always paid back thanks to Murakami's "associates" who made sure to take along their pet dinosaur whenever they went to collect - money had ceased to be a concern. It worked out well - the new kids trying to make their name in the gangster world were easily intimidated by Dachou; the much older, established groups were only too happy to have potential competition scared away. So happy, in fact, they occasionally contributed to campaign funds.

Even Sho seemed to be doing well - so much so that he didn't have much time to work on his research. A good thing, perhaps, since new patrons tended to come in asking about the "Research Participant Free Beer Deal" or would immediately start to undo their pants the minute they walked in the bar. Sho was so happy to have a full house that he never questioned just how, exactly, Aiba had convinced them to come in the first place. Occasional nudity was a small price to pay for lucrative business.

"Come on, Dachou," Aiba said, petting its neck. "Back home."

"Good job, Dachou," Maru sang, puckering his lips at it. "I think you deserve an extra special reward tonight."

"I think we deserve beer."

"Melon?" Maru asked it. Dachou gave no response. "Crickets? An omelet?" That got a resounding chirp. Maru smiled - omelets were an easy treat to make. After all, all they had to do was break the eggs, stir them up and then cook to perfection - the path to bliss in three simple steps.

  



End file.
